Understanding the Patterns Behind Your Responses
Why are we continually reacting in ways we know may not always be appropriate?
Perhaps you can see that you are not expected to have everything figured out, to take responsibility for others, or doubt your own decisions all the time.
But even recognising this may not affect how you react.
Sometimes the methods by which we cope with our experiences become so automatic that we overlook them completely.
Recognising why we react as we do is essential to making changes.
You might recognise some of these experiences:
Feeling responsible for other people's reactions or disappointment.
Struggling to rest because there's always something more you could be doing.
Questioning your worth when you make a mistake or don't meet an expectation.
Replaying conversations, seeking reassurance or finding it difficult to tolerate uncertainty.
Being hard on yourself for feeling upset, anxious or overwhelmed.
Finding it difficult to let go of control, even when the effort is exhausting.
These responses aren't necessarily problems in themselves. Their impact depends on the situation, how frequently they occur and what they may be costing you.
When a familiar response starts working against you
Looking beneath the response
My practice often focuses on three psychological processes.
Overcontrol
Self-discipline, preparation and self-restraint can prove valuable. Overcontrol may cause problems when the process proves inflexible, hindering adaptation, expression of emotions, tolerance of uncertainty or realisation of the need for a new strategy.
Contingent self-worth
Occasionally we start associating our worth with accomplishment, praise, usefulness or certain requirements.
In case the above is not fulfilled, an unremarkable failure might transform into evaluation of our identity.
Beliefs and relational patterns
Our life experience and relations might affect our expectations from ourselves and others.
We might develop the belief that voicing dissatisfaction results in conflicts, that seeking help is shameful or that capability means taking care of everything ourselves.
Such beliefs might affect our perceptions and reaction to specific events despite changing circumstances.
All of these processes do not constitute any diagnostic criteria and do not describe all difficulties one may face. They only provide us with another perspective on the issue.
Understanding is part of the work. So is responding differently.
In terms of counselling and coaching, I am not only concerned with addressing the issue at hand for a client.
Together we may consider what causes the reaction, the significance associated with it, what it assists in managing or avoiding, and how it impacts their relations, choices, and wellbeing.
At this point, we may work on becoming aware of one's emotions, challenging assumptions, understanding our needs and limits, and practicing alternative reactions if necessary.
The goal is not to stop feeling uncomfortable emotions and make each and every trait of oneself into a problem.
The goal is to gain insight into your reactions and increase your flexibility in dealing with them.
Working Together
I offer two distinct pathways depending on your circumstances and goals.
Online Counselling | Australia
For adults seeking support with emotional difficulties, relationships, anxiety, self-criticism, burnout and related patterns.
Performance & Mindset Coaching | International
For adults interested in how expectations, beliefs and habitual responses influence their decisions, relationships, leadership and performance.